I know I said I will be back on the 17th, but a series of unfortunate events happened to me while I was on vacation in Mexico that made me come back earlier than expected, so if you were enjoying my absence go fuck yourself because the king is back.
My first bad experience was at the airport, when I was loading my suitcase from my car onto a trolley. The zipper broke and all my shit fell out like an elephant having a baby. Lucky for me I came prepared with some duct tape and fixed that so the damn thing would stay in one piece.
Well once I boarded the plane I was once again finally relaxing knowing that I am on my way to paradise, and as I sat down in my first class seat I began to doze off into a pleasant dream. Not too early into the flight, I woke up as the plane had hit the biggest fucking field of turbulence I have ever experienced. This just put me in a state of worry and gave me a big headache.
Later as we landed, I went to pick-up my luggage. Slowly, people began to pick up their shit as I impatiently waited. And waited. And waited some more.
I finally came to the conclusion that my luggage wasn't going to show up, so I went to one of the attendants to report it. They told me there must have been a mix up or some shit, and that if found they will send it back to my home address.
So now I am in a foreign country with no change of clothes, no food, no toothbrush, nothing. Except for my passport, ticket back home and about $300 in cash. That is about to change.
As I head out of the airport, I jump into a cab to take me to a local market where I can buy all the necessary crap I will need for a weeks stay. He drops me off and after I give him the 10 American dollars I find myself in a crowd of many, sweaty, smelly Mexicans. I push my way through, and after a good struggle I can finally breathe.
For a second I pause. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Where's all my documents and money?!?! I hastily look around to see if I dropped it. Fuck. One of those mf wetbacks must have pick-pocketed me as I was trying to push my way through that crowd.
Okay so now I'm broke, with no passport, no food, no clothes, nothing. I am thirsty and there not a damn thing I can do about it. I start walking down an empty road, trying to bum a ride off a friendly Mexican traveler. No luck. Suddenly a truck stopped by and two large men stepped out. One had a baton with him. Out of nowhere, WHACKKK!
I'm knocked out senseless. I find myself in a field laying face flat on the ground. Suddenly I feel a tingling sensation. My body rising. Thoughts race through my mind as I feel as if I am rising into the air and away from the ground. Indeed I am. My body starts to float higher and higher as I start to wonder what the fuck is happening. This is all happening in the middle of the night, so I can see anything but darkness. I finally decide to look up, and there I see a beam of light and some sort of space craft hovering above me. I AM BEING ABDUCTED!! HOLY SHIT!
As my body is sucked into the space ship I am greeted by strange life forms. They seem to know how to communicate in English, and at this point I am hungry and thirsty so I ask them for some food and water. They comply, and hook me up with an array of delicacy, and wines.
I asked them where they are taking me and what they want with me. They reply telling me that they are a foreign species from a different galaxy, and have been studying the eating habits of humans for years. I am just one of their experiments and they mean no harm to me, and tell me not to worry as they will be taking me on a voyage through space.
After a refreshing meal and a lengthy flight through endless galaxies, my new friends decide to take me back home. The space ship warps back to earth at lightspeed and I get released to my house. I wish them good-bye and the space ship warps away and disappears in the dusk sky.
Now that is what I call a vacation.