Sunday, August 27, 2006

Disturbing Shit

Fellas, has this shit happened to you at work:

You're sitting in a long ass meeting. A colleague of yours has just given a 20 minute presentation on some random shit. Once it's over, everyone gets up to take a break. You head for the bathroom, because you try to stay up on your 8 cups a day. You notice a co-worker is headed the same place. No big deal. As you unzip at the urinal, he approaches the one next to you. As soon as the door closes, he looks over at you and says, "So what'cha think of the presentation."

STOP RIGHT THERE!

Are you trying to hold a fucking conversation while I'm holdin' that "special part of me?" Does this LOOK like my office? Why do these mothafuckers wanna talk to you in the bathroom? NO business can be discussed in here. As a matter of fact, consider me INVISIBLE up in this bitch.

Or what about them assholes who actually get TOO close and wanna tap your shoulder or reach out and shake your hand? Really?!! This ain't no fucking meet'n'greet, bitch!! Some even take it so far as to ask you questions while they are in the stall settin' the place on fire. Come on, dude!! Go somewhere with all the verbage. Since when is it acceptable for you to ask me for needed data and statistics on a current project while you handle your business without a fucking thing to write with or on? I'm supposed to sit there and endure your grunts and moans, acting like I don't hear 'em? Fuck that.

Do your business and talk to me on the OUTSIDE.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Pennies


Isn't it time we're done with pennies already? The American public hasn't been using them for about a decade. They have become so worthless, that people give them to each other as a matter of routine. Get your change, pick out the pennies, and leave them there for the next guy. Need a penny or two? Well, there should be a few there for you, because the last guy sure as fuck didn't want his. That's the game. Deal with it.

I hate when stores don't want to play by the game. If a store doesn't have a little tray, I am immediately annoyed. WTF am I fishing another dollar out of my pants for....just because it came to $5.02. When that cash register rings up $5.02 and you look at me, we're ready to have a long staredown. I'll return some shit before I break another dollar and let you give me three more of the damn things in return. And that item probably had a profit margin of at least $.03 to you, so who's the loser now? Get it? As long as they're still around, you better play by the game.

When there is no tray, my normal routine has become to fish through my change and immediately pick them out and deposit them into the trash. Not only are they worthless, but they are disgusting, and I'm not carrying them around. Most pennies have been in circulation for 20 years, and as the stepchild of your change purse, they have been given no love. They live in ashtrays, parking lots, and huge jars owned by 72 year old men who remember when they were actually worth something. Old copper is gross enough to start with. Add to the fact that they are covered in gum and other shit, and you need to wash your hands every time one touches you.

Think about this: a stamp costs $0.39. 39 pennies weigh 6 ounces. It takes about two stamps to mail 6 ounces of stuff. Therefore, if I wanted to mail someone 39 cents in pennies, it would cost me 78 cents. By my definition, it's pretty clear cut. When a monetary unit can't afford to mail itself, it's worthless. Don't get all cocky either, nickels,you aren't far behind. (I don't really know how much 39 pennies weigh, that was just a guess. I have a scale in my office, and would find out, but I can't. I threw out all my fucking pennies. Just trust me though, I'm right on this general principal. I know by instinct that they can't mail themselves.)

Vending machines won't even take them. They hired engineers to assure that any penny which entered the slot would be immediately routed straight to the change opening. Think about the engineering involved. Dimes, which are smaller than pennies, go right into the machines, but they had to create some sort of mechanism that would sort out and eliminate any penny that enters the machine, lest they get involved with the REAL money that is in there, and gross it all up.

Have you ever tried to give a penny to a bum? Seriously. I almost got in a fight over the fact that I gave a bum some pennies. The man had no home, was hungry, cold, and hopeless, yet when I gave him a handful of pennies, he tried to spit on me. Fortunately, his lack of front teeth seriously affected his aiming abilities and I easily dodged the saliva-based projectile, but moving on......Isn't this enough evidence for Alan Greenspan and the Feds to say enough is enough? I now summarize my case:

1. Pennies are considered worthless, even by homeless people.
2. Pennies are disgusting.
3. Pennies can't even mail themselves.
4. Americans are actually giving them to strangers, like some nationwide game of hot potato.
5. Vending machines are even too smart to take them. Their job is to take money, not pennies.

Case Closed. Please, Federal Reserve, I beg you. End the game. I'm done with fucking pennies.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Tickled

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line
stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I'm back bitches!

I know I said I will be back on the 17th, but a series of unfortunate events happened to me while I was on vacation in Mexico that made me come back earlier than expected, so if you were enjoying my absence go fuck yourself because the king is back.

My first bad experience was at the airport, when I was loading my suitcase from my car onto a trolley. The zipper broke and all my shit fell out like an elephant having a baby. Lucky for me I came prepared with some duct tape and fixed that so the damn thing would stay in one piece.

Well once I boarded the plane I was once again finally relaxing knowing that I am on my way to paradise, and as I sat down in my first class seat I began to doze off into a pleasant dream. Not too early into the flight, I woke up as the plane had hit the biggest fucking field of turbulence I have ever experienced. This just put me in a state of worry and gave me a big headache.

Later as we landed, I went to pick-up my luggage. Slowly, people began to pick up their shit as I impatiently waited. And waited. And waited some more.

I finally came to the conclusion that my luggage wasn't going to show up, so I went to one of the attendants to report it. They told me there must have been a mix up or some shit, and that if found they will send it back to my home address.

So now I am in a foreign country with no change of clothes, no food, no toothbrush, nothing. Except for my passport, ticket back home and about $300 in cash. That is about to change.

As I head out of the airport, I jump into a cab to take me to a local market where I can buy all the necessary crap I will need for a weeks stay. He drops me off and after I give him the 10 American dollars I find myself in a crowd of many, sweaty, smelly Mexicans. I push my way through, and after a good struggle I can finally breathe.

For a second I pause. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Where's all my documents and money?!?! I hastily look around to see if I dropped it. Fuck. One of those mf wetbacks must have pick-pocketed me as I was trying to push my way through that crowd.

Okay so now I'm broke, with no passport, no food, no clothes, nothing. I am thirsty and there not a damn thing I can do about it. I start walking down an empty road, trying to bum a ride off a friendly Mexican traveler. No luck. Suddenly a truck stopped by and two large men stepped out. One had a baton with him. Out of nowhere, WHACKKK!

I'm knocked out senseless. I find myself in a field laying face flat on the ground. Suddenly I feel a tingling sensation. My body rising. Thoughts race through my mind as I feel as if I am rising into the air and away from the ground. Indeed I am. My body starts to float higher and higher as I start to wonder what the fuck is happening. This is all happening in the middle of the night, so I can see anything but darkness. I finally decide to look up, and there I see a beam of light and some sort of space craft hovering above me. I AM BEING ABDUCTED!! HOLY SHIT!

As my body is sucked into the space ship I am greeted by strange life forms. They seem to know how to communicate in English, and at this point I am hungry and thirsty so I ask them for some food and water. They comply, and hook me up with an array of delicacy, and wines.

I asked them where they are taking me and what they want with me. They reply telling me that they are a foreign species from a different galaxy, and have been studying the eating habits of humans for years. I am just one of their experiments and they mean no harm to me, and tell me not to worry as they will be taking me on a voyage through space.

After a refreshing meal and a lengthy flight through endless galaxies, my new friends decide to take me back home. The space ship warps back to earth at lightspeed and I get released to my house. I wish them good-bye and the space ship warps away and disappears in the dusk sky.

Now that is what I call a vacation.

Monday, August 07, 2006

My Theory on Sesame Street

I am finally going on a well deserved vacation, which means you won't hear from me until the 17th of August, which is the date I plan to return.

For your enjoyment, I'll post this little rant about my theory of what Sesame Street really is.

Sesame street is really a gang (the street looks like a ghetto and you never see anyone else but the characters). Elmo is a Blood. Cookie Monster is a Crip (his cookies are filled with Marijuanna). Oscar is really a homeless person that deals drugs. Big Bird is a Mob Boss. Kermit the frog is always high (as you can tell by his voice) and Gordon and all the real people are just stoned and all the puppets aren't really there.

That's pretty much covers it. Hope you won't miss me too much.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Lazy Ass Bitch

I have just come back from the local gym, where I just so happened to get my membership this very day. The building has 3 levels: the basement, where there is a basketball court and karate dojo; ground-level, where there is the information desk and lobby; and the second level, where all the equipment and weights are. It has one set of stairs and 2 elevators.

Now obviously, the elevators are intended for the handicapped, or really over weight, who cannot climb stairs because either they are too fat or risk falling and crashing through to the basement.

Now, as I proceed up the stairs, some dumb bitch starts laughing from where the elevators are. I look at her and continue up the stairs until I got to the top and saw her there exiting the elevator. I immediately asked her what was so funny, and she replied, "I don't know, I thought it was funny seeing a person climb the stairs when everybody just uses the elevators."

I was speechless. She was probably in her mid 30's and looked like she has been coming to the gym often. What surprised me is how lazy the bitch was, and still had the fucking nerve to have a crack at someone who has some sense in their heads to use the fucking stairs when going to the gym to work out. Why, if you get to the gym and then take the elevator, your membership should be
instantly cancelled! It's not like the gym lobby is on 1 and the weights are on
the 30th floor. Warm your fat asses up and walk up ONE flight of steps, LAZY ASS BITCH!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Running on cow shit

This is great because one of the leading sources of Methane, a greenhouse gas, is bovine biogas; otherwise known as cow farts. In fact there are serious scientific studies on the amount of gas a cow can actually pass. As a side note, Saturday Night Live did a skit on this very subject.
cows
Anyway, some students at Western Washington University in Bellingham, WA have developed a hybrid car that runs off of cow manure. The manure is converted into purified bio-methane through an interesting and likely stinky process. They say one cow can produce enough excrement, in one day, to power a car for 15 miles.